Channeling energies in a more positive direction

Anyone who knows me know that (1) I enjoy good debate and discussion and (2) much of that has taken place online over the past 11 years.

Unfortunately, the quality of those discussion has been on a downward spiral.

11 years ago, my "mommy boards" were productive, and even essential for me. When I had my first miscarriage in 1998, I felt utterly alone and desperately needed a way to process my feelings of grief and depression. Pregnancy loss support boards and sites like Chez Miscarriage were extremely therapeutic. Later, when my daughter was born, it was my way to connect with the outside world, reclaim a bit of "me time", and share information. Back then, many of the conversations, while not entirely free of drama, were often respectful and extremely informative. Babycenter's breastfeeding v. formula feeding debate board, for example, tended to be full of long posts that were filled with scientific studies and helpful advice.

Alas, as technology became more accessible, the quality nosedived. The quality debates that I loved - filled with proper English and evidence to back up facts, as well as respectful give and take - started to disappear, replaced by opinion polls and foul language and barely literate posts from phones.

Lack of quality, though, hasn't been the biggest problem for me. I have tendency to get sucked into debates to counter extreme views, and at times it starts to intrude on the rest of my life. Slowly, very slowly, I started to realize that some formats make it impossible to have a rational conversation. It's hard when you only know posters from their views, especially when you are posting in a forum designed to focus all attention on one particular topic. In fact, the most productive online conversations and debates that I've had tended to occur on predominantly female boards, where we'd take a break from the most controversial points to discuss the rest of our lives - a virtual coffee klatch. In these settings, I was able to find common ground with an evangelical Christian from the south, a young devout Muslim mom, a former girlfriend of a neo-Nazi skinhead, a Satmar hasidic woman who struggled with infertility, etc. These are people that I likely wouldn't have met in real life, and I'm grateful that I was able to connect online. It was especially gratifying when they said that I showed them a perspective that they wouldn't have had otherwise, or even managed to change their views.

At other times, though, the conversations would drag me down. I'd get stuck in the mud and gunk, and after a while I'd find myself in danger of focusing more on that than on the beauty and joy in life. I had to accept that some people simply won't change their views, and I need to focus on reaching those who are reachable via more productive forums. I don't enjoy reading personal attacks. If I don't want to listen to my kids squabble, why would I put up with strangers doing it online? Too much conflict and drama and negativity is not a good thing for the soul.

Finally, I realized that I'm getting older. I get cranky when I realize that I may be corresponding with someone 20 years younger who is living in their parents' basement. There are some intelligent younger posters with interesting perspectives, but too often I was feeling like someone's mother and lacking a shared cultural vocabulary.

So...I'll continue to do some posting here and on my other blog, try to focus on some good stuff instead of being all negative and keep in touch with people who add something to my life. As for the rest....it's time to edit it out.